This is all so weird. I am perfectly fine. Doing just dandy. Life is good. Then the next morning, I can't figure out how I will ever get through this stretch.
The sermon Sunday gave me lots to meditate on, push to the back of my mind to drag out at times and chew on. It keeps resurfacing during parts of the day-----if I allow it too.
We have been noticing, my husband, daughter and I that people who survived the fire, and their losses, are having dark days about now. Is it the comming of winter, the less light in the day, the Thanksgiving feast, or , hum, Christmas looming? Why are we all kind of feeling as if we are setting at the bottom of the ditch beside the road, wondering if you even want to get your feet under you and keep moving. We have all felt some repercussions in our state of health too. Interesting. But not fun.
Our children arranged for us to go to the Oregon Coast for the Feast week. Most all of the families made the trek and we had a good time. The coast always seems theraputic. And then we came home. The weather had been below freezing for most of two weeks. Now its in the upper 30's and 40's, but there is grey and rain.
We have wondered if we wanted to, or if we even could stand going through the motions. Can you make something happen, to come true, to be real?
We have bought tree lights and a tree, and this evening, the local grandkids came and helped Grandpa put up the tree, the lights and all. He says he feels better having it up. I am glad its done.
It doesn't make me sing like I would like too. But am glad its done.
What does make me feel good is the house on the hill that is being built. They have all the windows in now except the few, that mistakes were made on. The PUD is supposed to come and turn on the power this week. Most of the sheetrock is up and one of the sheetrockers worked late tonight. There is temporary heat and when you step into the entry and then the living room it feels so very good, So very very good. That feeling is amazing.
Making decisions has been tormenting. Decisions made, Decisions changed. Back and Forth and never feeling that its right. But Saturday I went to the City by myself, and took my time and made some decisions, again. And it seemed that my kitchen, that has been so important and so elusive, just came together. I can see it now in my minds eye and I just want it done, to walk and work in it, to dance in it, to cook in it. Too sing, and sing.
The entry hall has fallen apart again. Tile that had been chosen, discontinued and another choice, just too busy, but this time my husband went with me and we picked up some samples together and brought them home and put them behind a chair till we had quiet peaceful time to look at them again, and with our daughter. It will be ok. We hope we find it this time. We have looked and looked until you feel like you have considered everything.But when its right, it will be right.
We had to buy more insulation, more than we thought, and when we went to the lumber yard today there were two doors. We have been pricing doors that we like at about $1400, and I am not joking that figure. These two doors some one had ordered and never picked up. They wanted $200 each for them. No--they weren't EXACTLY what I had envisioned-- but they are nice. Not as private as I would want, but warmer, more open and welcoming and the fiberglass we wanted for this climate.. And, I can use that extra budget to buy something else that we really think is necessary for the house. And I have a feeling that we will find that too. That life will be better. That we will get through this. We will sing and cry but we will get through this and some how we will meld with the home the firestorm prepared us for.
A little melodramatic perhaps, but better than setting in the rain crying.
